I don't know how to do this. You know at this point when i am at a loss at what I should say, I thought I was just broken. Really broken. So broken that I had to do IT every week to numb the fears, anxiety and stress that were going through inside me. To put things in perspective, I have failed to stop IT. I have failed to put into actions any of my promises to my friends and family in this entire year. I have failed myself and my life in this one whole year. A year, 365 days, I have failed to exercise any form of self-control or discipline. I have failed to live life. I have failed as a person.
And I was going to make myself remember that I wasn't like that - I wasn't like this before IT. I was a joyous teenager. Satisfied with school and all, my primary/sec sch period is the only time that I remember I was actually happy. I was good at school work, I was leading the prefectory board in my cohort, and though there were things that I was pursuing/wanted to pursue, I made sure I made the necessary efforts and commitments to the dreams that I was chasing for. For one, I wanted to go overseas for studies. Though it were we as a family came up with a regime to beef up my English and Maths, I was the one willing to tough it out. I spent countless late nights working on the sample questions. I even memorised my interview questions and answers just to make sure that I have everything ready at the back of my head. I achieved my goal in the end. That was about 12 years ago.
A decade and a bit more later, I found myself stranded on the cross road between life and death. I became unsure of what the outcome would be. I don't know which side I would end up at at the end of this long long road. Yes I pray hard, I wanted to try so hard, and I wanted to make sure this gets sunk in: that no matter what I did in the past, I still have today. I could change now, and me myself was the only change agent in this whole transformation process. It has been a scary and taxing 12 months. Putting work aside, I was constantly made aware of my own shortcoming. Week in and week out, all I could see and gather is that I have lost control of my life. I feel powerless.
In the midst of things, I feel overwhelmed. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. You know people say you have to do this one day at a time. Translated to the weekly scale, results show that I have not even taken the first step. Where is my life? What has my life become - a five-day work day and 2-day play days, whilst sometimes the work day has to give way to play days? Ever since I started doing IT, I have not experienced the realm, and the joy of living. I was like a bullet train, making stops in between only to rush to the next destination. There is no way out if I am continuing this. I need to pave a new track, I need to divert the train to somewhere uncharted but safer. I need to do this soon. I don't want to crash knowing full well that I have a choice to make my own future.
And I was going to make myself remember that I wasn't like that - I wasn't like this before IT. I was a joyous teenager. Satisfied with school and all, my primary/sec sch period is the only time that I remember I was actually happy. I was good at school work, I was leading the prefectory board in my cohort, and though there were things that I was pursuing/wanted to pursue, I made sure I made the necessary efforts and commitments to the dreams that I was chasing for. For one, I wanted to go overseas for studies. Though it were we as a family came up with a regime to beef up my English and Maths, I was the one willing to tough it out. I spent countless late nights working on the sample questions. I even memorised my interview questions and answers just to make sure that I have everything ready at the back of my head. I achieved my goal in the end. That was about 12 years ago.
A decade and a bit more later, I found myself stranded on the cross road between life and death. I became unsure of what the outcome would be. I don't know which side I would end up at at the end of this long long road. Yes I pray hard, I wanted to try so hard, and I wanted to make sure this gets sunk in: that no matter what I did in the past, I still have today. I could change now, and me myself was the only change agent in this whole transformation process. It has been a scary and taxing 12 months. Putting work aside, I was constantly made aware of my own shortcoming. Week in and week out, all I could see and gather is that I have lost control of my life. I feel powerless.
In the midst of things, I feel overwhelmed. I knew this wasn't going to be easy. You know people say you have to do this one day at a time. Translated to the weekly scale, results show that I have not even taken the first step. Where is my life? What has my life become - a five-day work day and 2-day play days, whilst sometimes the work day has to give way to play days? Ever since I started doing IT, I have not experienced the realm, and the joy of living. I was like a bullet train, making stops in between only to rush to the next destination. There is no way out if I am continuing this. I need to pave a new track, I need to divert the train to somewhere uncharted but safer. I need to do this soon. I don't want to crash knowing full well that I have a choice to make my own future.
